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Q: What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
A: Pilot error.
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Q: What do you call a black pilot?
A: a pilot, you racist.
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Q: Wanna know how to make a small fortune running a charter airline?
A: Start out with a large one.
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Q: What do you get when you cross an airplane with a magician?
A: a flying sorcerer.
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Why do 747s have humps?
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Q: Why do 747s have humps?
A: So the pilot can sit on his wallet
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Q: What do you call when you’re sick of being in the airport?
A: Terminal illness.
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Q: What do you call a space pilot who lives dangerously?
A: Han YOLO
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Q: What’s the difference between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza?
A: A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.
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Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and God?
A: God doesn’t think He’s a fighter pilot.
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Q: Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining
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Dad asking his 3 Years son
You like brother baby or sister baby?
Son: I Like Your Sister’s baby!!
Rocking Generation……….
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When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: “Green, green!”
They answer: “Yellow?”
They ask: “White?”
They hang up: “Pink!”
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!
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Side effect of excess study
A Guy Went To a Restaurant,
He Wanted To See the Menu
But He Forgot What It Is Called;
He Asked Waiter,
“Bring The Syllabus”
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I Look At Your Picture And The Problem Disappears
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
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Bantu : Do you know? I was stuck in an Elevator for 10 mins due to power failure
Bablu: You are so lucky! I was stuck on an Escalator for 30 mins due to power failure !
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Boy to girl before exam: Hey all the best
Girl: All the best to you too
But girl scored 80 marks & boy failed
Moral: Only boys wish with true heart…..
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If you marry 1 woman,
She will fight with you.
But, if you marry 2 women,
They will fight for you.
Think different.
((Add wife, have life))
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It’s 5 O’ Clock, please get up
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A husband and his funny wife were angry with each other and were not talking to each other.
Husband left a note on wife’s table that said: “Please awake me at 5 am tomorrow.”
Next morning, he awoke at 8 am and saw a note on his table: “It’s 5 O’ Clock, please get up
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Old man: Son, bring my teeth.
Son: But dad, food is not ready.
Old man: No,
I don’t need teeth to eat food.
I just want pass smile to old lady next door.
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A girl comes late to class
Teacher: Why are You late ?
Girl: One boy was following me, sir.
Teacher: So, What?
Girl: That boy was walking very slowly.
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Teacher: 1 Book + 1 Book?
Student: 2 Books
Teacher: 2 Books + 2 Books?
Student: 4 Books
Teacher: 61,789,365 Books + 23,678,989 Books??
Student: LIBRARY
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Boy: I checked yesterday that I don’t have any iron in my Body
Girl: How did you check?
Boy: I checked with a Magnet, it was not sticking to me
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Judge: Why were you arrested?
Man: For shopping early.
Judge: Well, that’s not a crime. Anyway, how early were you shopping?
Man: Before the shop opened.
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Height Of Thinking
Two Friends Failed In 10th Study Again N Again.. ..
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1st Friend: Lets Suicide Oohhhh!.
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2nd Friend: No Waaaaays !
If V Suicide Than In Next Life Again
We Have To Study From ’Pre Nursery’ :'(
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Boy: Wow!! .. You look so perfect with incredible body and flower like skin.. What do you use?.
Girl: Adobe Photoshop CS5 !!! Want it!!!
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A boy’s FACEBOOK status:
I m online during class.
ha ha ha ha ha ha…
Comment from Teacher:
GET OUT Of the CLASS now….
Comment Liked By Principal..
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Wife to Husband: Why do you go out of home when I start singing?
Funny Husband: So that neighbors may not doubt that I am beating you.
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Wife to Husband: I have heard that husband and wife are not allowed to stay
together in heaven. Is it true?
Husband: You fool, that’s why it is called heaven.
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A boy went to a doctor and asked: What are your fees for visiting patient’s home?
Doctor: Rs 300
Doctor took his bike. The boy sat behind him and reached home.
Doctor: Where is the patient?
Boy: There is no patient. Taxi driver asked for Rs 500 to drop me home but you agreed for Rs 300.
Doctor Shocked… Boy Rocked…
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A Sardar Doctor and Pandit loved same girl.
Pandit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.
Sardar Doctor asked: WHY??
Pandit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
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Sonu: Someone was irritating me by sending dirty messages
Monu: What did you do?
Sonu: I changed my number and sent him message “Now you can’t send me message”
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Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy from him?
Student: No, teacher, it’s about the same dog!
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Sonu: I lost my purse yesterday; there was 2000 rupees in it
Monu: Don’t lie there was only 1000, I counted when I went home!
Sonu: It’s not about the money, Find that person
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Sonu: Today is my Girl Friend birthday, what should I give her??
Monu: How does she look?
Sonu: Very Beautiful
Monu: Then give her my number!!!
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Define A Woman….
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Someone Who Can Talk 4 Hours While Standing At The Door .
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But She Won’t Sit …
Because Shes Getting Late…:
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RULES In The House
RULE#1 The wife is Always Right.
RULE#2 If the wife is wrong please: refer to RULE#1
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A Husband makes a call To his wife from his idea phone.
He dials wrong number. Another woman picks it.
Both talked for long time and fell in love.
Moral of the story: An idea can change your wife.
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How much is 2 -2
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Teacher: How much is 2-2
Junior Boy: I couldn’t understand Sir..!
Teacher: If you have two rotis and if you eat two rotis, what will you have?
Junior Boy: Curry Sir!
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Sonu and Monu went to a picnic and found that they forgot Pepsi at home
Sonu: Go and bring pepsi within an hour
Monu: If you promise me that you don’t eat Samosa then I go
Sonu: Ok
Sonu waited one hour, two hours, three and with hunger took a Samosa to eat in his hand
Monu jumped up from behind and said “I know what you are a cheater, thats why I didn’t go”
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In a hotel Sonu started eating tissue paper on the plate.
Monu replied from a distance “Oye don’t eat, it’s tasteless”
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Things In Boy’s Room Before Marriage:)
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Things in Boys’ room Before marriage:
Perfumes
Love letters
Laptops
Cards
N95
After marriage:
Pain killers
Loan papers
Unpaid bills
Nokia 1202!
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Relation Ship Is Between Cafes And Bars?
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What Is The Relation Ship Is Between Cafes And Bars?
Simple
Most Of The Love Stories Start At Cafes And End At Bars
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5 Rupees
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Sonu one day had very short hair cut, Monu asked why?
Sonu: That Barber was short of 5 rupees change, i told him cut more for those 5 rupees!
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Their Petrol Pump Is In First Floor
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Sonu and Monu stated a Petrol Pump, they waited for weeks but not even one customer came.
Why? “Their petrol pump is in First floor”
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Did You Do Your Home Work?
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Teacher: Did you do your Home Work?
Student: No Teacher
Teacher: Why?
Student: Teacher, I stay in Hostel, how can I do Home work
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I Saw It With My Eyes But Couldn’t Understand It
Took It In My Hands, But Couldn’t Understand It
Keep Thinking For A Long Time, But Again Couldn’t Understand It
It was Not A Dream,
It was Is Not A Love,
It was Not Even Friendship,
Then I Realized: “It Was Question Paper”
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Boy tells a girl “I Love you”
Girl: I will go and tell this to Principal
Boy : Idiot, he is already married
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Facebook Killed Life
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What’s App killed SMS!
You Tube killed DVD!
Skye killed ISD calls!
Amazon killed real life shopping and Facebook killed LIFE
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Friends Are Like Fishes
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Friends are like fishes.
You have to sit patiently for a long time
to catch a good one.
Just like I caught you.
so better stay nice otherwise
I will FRY YOU..
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When a married man says- “I’ll think about it”,
What he really means that,
He doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet
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Define Who Is Lecturer?
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Teacher To Student: Can You Define Who Is LECTURER?
Student: A LECTURER Is a Person Who Has a Very Bad Habit of Speaking When Someone Is Sleeping.
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Boy Absent On Exam Date
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Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?
Son: Absence!
Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
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Height Of A True Bad Luck
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Height of A True Bad Luck.
A Guy And A Girl Met Last Time For Their Break-Up..
Girls Father Caught Them.
Now They Are A Married Couple.
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Wow! How Amazing
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Babblu went to temple & saw people putting coin in box & praying
Babblu: Wow! How amazing. People are talking to God through coin phone without receiver
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All India Radio
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Man: you cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to You.
Man: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is ‘All India Radio! ‘
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Tiger Gave Love Success Party
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A tiger was giving love success party to his friends
A cat came & danced
Tiger asked who are you.
Cat said I was also a tiger before I fell in love.
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Twitter Facebook and You tube Combined
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One day
Twitter, Facebook And Youtube Will Combine To Make The Most Time Consuming Website,Known To Mankind…We will Call It
YOU TWIT FACE…
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Modern Definition of Boy Friend
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Modern Definition 0f “Boy Friend”
A Person Who Has To Like
All the Status and Photos
…0f His Girl Friend
No Matter How Bad They Are . . .
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My TV Not Working!
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A Poor husband tells his friend “My 28 inches TV is not working since my wife left me”.
Amazed friend asks “Oh no, but how your TV not working is related to your wife?”
“Well my TV used to be 56 inches, but my wife wanted half of everything!!” replies the sad husband.
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A beggar is begging “Hey lovely woman, please give a rupee for this poor blind person”.
Husband tells his wife “Give him a rupee, he is calling you a lovely woman, He must be blind!”.
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Searching Sun Or Moon On Earth
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A very drunk man comes out of the bar
And sees another very drunk man,
He looks up in the sky and says,
“Is that the sun or the moon?”
The other drunk man answers,
I don’t know. I’m a stranger here myself.
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Taking Divorce For Special Reasons
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Two MEN Talking:
Ist: I am getting married because I am tired of eating out, cleaning house & doing laundry
2nd: Strange, I am taking divorce for same reasons!
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You Marry My Sister and I Will Marry your Sister
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Two Guys Were Following Two Girls Both Girls Took Rakhi and Tied To Their Hands.
1st Guy To Second What Will We Do Now?
2nd Guy- You Marry My Sister, I Will Marry your Sister
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Clerk Kisses Her Fingers
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A Young and Pretty Girl shows her hands to clerk
He kisses her Fingers and asks: What can I do for you?
Girl: Just tell the manager that There is no Toilet Paper in the Toilet.
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Black Boy Asking To Black Girl in Black Night
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Somewhere…
A Black Man to His Black Girlfriend
On A Romantic Night
Out Near D Sea Shore Asked Her.
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Darling, where Are you?.
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An employee calls his boss and tells “I cannot come to work today”
“Why not?” asks the boss.
“My wife is still on bed, she didn’t prepare breakfast and didn’t iron my clothes” the employee replies.
“That’s not an excuse” shouts the boss,
“Well you wake my wife and tell it to her” the employee replies
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My Car Has Only One Reverse Gear
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Boy: Dear, it took me 4 hours for me to return from my uncle’s home
Girl: Why? You went there just in One hour
Boy: Yeah, but my car has only one Reverse Gear!!
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I Was Watching TV
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Sonu: Last night thieves stole everything in my house except TV
Monu: How Strange! Then what were you doing??
Sonu: I was watching TV!!
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I Need 1000 Rupees
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Employee: I forgot my purse at home, I need 1000 rupees urgently
Boss: I can understand your problem, take this 10 rupees go and get your purse!!
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Husband: My Wife ran away with my friend
Friend: Then you must be very depressed
Husband: Yes, I am missing my Friend a Lot
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Medical College Girls
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Bantu:: If I climb this tree, can I see engineering college girls??
Babblu: Definitely, if you jump from there you can also see Medical college girls
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Dandruff Free
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Man bought a Shampoo bottle and asked the sales man for free gift
Salesman: There is no gift for this
Man: Don’t cheat me, it’s written here “Dandruff Free”
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Before My Birth
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Girl: How was your History exam?
Boy: Very Bad!
Girl: Why?
Boy: How would I know the answers of questions which happened before my Birth?
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Man And God
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Man said to God –Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man –So that you will love them.
Man said to God –But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man –So that they will love you.
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Teacher And Student
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Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
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Teacher And Student
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The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk….
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run…
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What Are You Waiting For?
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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5
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Wrong Number
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
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Boy: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Women: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
Boy: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Women: I’m not. I’m her mother.
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Thank God!
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Science Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life,
It was discovered in 1773.
Student: Thank God! I am born after 1773 otherwise; I would have died without it.
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Flirting Is Like A Game Of Chess
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One Wrong Move and You Are
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Married
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Analogy For All College Lecturers
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Analogy for all college lecturers
They teach us to make “PLAIN RICE” in class
&
Expect from us to cook “BIRYANI” in exams…
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What’s The Height Of Hope?
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What’s the height of hope?
It is: sitting in the exam hall, Holding the question paper in hand and telling your self
“Dude, don’t worry….Exams will get postponed!”
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My Nights Are Going Sleepless
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My days are going useless.
So I asked GOD,
Is this love?
GOD replied,
No dear, result is near
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Best Day To Propose A Girl
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Which is the best day to propose a girl..
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April 1
You Know Why?
If she accept it’s your luck Otherwise just tell April fool.
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A Man While Making Love To His Maid
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A man while making love to his maid,
Exclaimed ‘Martha your are sweeter than my wife’
The maid smiled and said
‘i know Because the driver always tells me so’
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When Somebody Who Is Deeply In Love
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When somebody who is deeply In Love with you tells that You are Cute, beautiful & angelic,I agree.That’s true Believe me, I swear because love is definitely blind
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Teacher Aur Boy
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Teacher: what do u call a person
who cannot hear anything?
Boy : U can call him anything,
because he cannot hear anything.
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Sir- Tum kal school Q nhi aye
Pappu- Sir mujhe Blud flu ho gya tha
Sir- Blud flu to murgiyo ko hota he
Pappu- Sir ap rozana to murga bnate ho
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A girl comes late to class
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A girl comes late to class
Teacher: Why ru late?
Girl: 1 boy was following me.
Teacher: so what?
Girl: d boy was walking very slowly! 😀
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A boy commented on his Facebook status – Happy New Year.
The girl wrote in comments – Same to you.
The boy edited the comment to – I love you!
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Girl: Will you marry me?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: When?
Boy: As soon as I complete CA.
Girl: Shaadi Nahi Karni Hai To Naa Bol Do, Faltu Bakwas Mat Karo!
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Pappu Ladki Dekhne Gaya
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Pappu, Ladki Dekhne Gaya,
Family Walo Ne Akele Bithaya
Pappu: Behanji, Aap Kitne Bhai-Behan Ho!
Ladki: Pehle 3 The Ab 4 HO GAYE ! 😀
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1 Bhoot Dusre
Se: Yaar Kitni Ajeeb Baat Hai
na Ladke Mar k Bhoot Ban Jate
Hain aur Ladkiyan?
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Chudail Ki Chudail Rehti Hain! 😛
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In America
Daughter: Dad,
I got married yesterday evening.
I forgot to inform u.
Dady: It’s ok my child.
But next time Dnt forget to invite me :)
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Father to Son:
Beta tum history mein fail kyu huye?
Son: Papa, Sabhi question us samay ke the
jab mai paida bhi nahi hua tha!
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Mujhse dosti krogi
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Boy- Mujhse dosti krogi..
Girl- Mere parents allow nahi karte..
Boy- Ha jaise mere Pitaji ne to mujhe!
“Akhil Bhartiya Ladki Patao Mahasangh” ka chairman bna rakha hai 😀
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Teacher: Galti hone pe maafi magne wale ko kya kahte hai?
Student: Samajhdar
Teacher: Aur galti na hone pe bhi mafi mangne waale ko kya kahte hai?
Student: BOYFRIEND 😀
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PUPIL: “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”
TEACHER:” Of course not.”
PUPIL: “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
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A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I’m the one who must dig his grave.
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A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
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Teacher: “Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?”
Nick: “What do you think it is, Sir?”
Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”
Nick: “I don’t think I know either, Sir!”
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Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
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Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
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A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
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The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
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Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HEL-LOOOOOOOO …You gotta roll up the windows!!!
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If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all thechildren and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, “Then how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”
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A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
“How are we faring?” asks the king.
“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”
“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”
“Oh, no…” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”
Submitted by abhi.
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Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is pi ?”
The engineer said: “It is approximately 3 and 1/7”
The physicist said: “It is 3.14159”
The mathematician thought a bit, and replied “It is equal to pi”.
A nutritionist: “Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!”
Submitted by vicky.
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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s
multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
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Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
LOL
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1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
1=2. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
1=2. Work stuffs up your eyesight
1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
1=2. Therefore, all dogs are cats
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Brain Transplant
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A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”
“Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor.
“Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used.”
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A British doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That’s nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A Russian doctor says, “In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
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Safest Way to Drive
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Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
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IBM: It’s Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It’s Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I’ve Been Mislead
IBM: It’s Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I’ll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I’ve Been Moved
IBM: I’ve Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It’ll Be Messy
IBM: It’s Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible – IBM contemptible
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A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.
On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, “What is 59 + 2?”
The first blonde contestant responded by saying, “57?”
The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
Then they asked, “What is 15 – 5?”
The blonde responded, “20, right?”
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”
“3?” said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
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The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad.” she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, “Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car.”
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
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The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”
The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”
The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”
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Policeman: When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, “Fifty-five at least.”
Woman Driver: “Well, you are a long way off! It’s this hat that makes me look so old.”
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One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
“No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down — what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”
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Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”
“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”
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Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway with either indicator flashing, but going nowhere.
Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway even when the road is almost entirely empty.
Picking your nose and believing that no-one can see you.
Not realising that there is any other setting for your lights than high beam.
Indicating to move into a lane that you’re already half way in.
falling asleep at the wheel, just in time for the lights to turn green.
Sounding your horn one nanosecond after the lights change to green if the car in front hasn’t sped off.
Sending sprays of wiper wash right over the top of your car and washing the one behind.
Overtaking then pulling in front and slowing down.
Sharing whatever is on your car stereo with anyone within a mile radius.
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Why are so many blonde jokes one liners?
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Why are so many blonde jokes one liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week.”
He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”
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Philosophy And Mathematics
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Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
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When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
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A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”
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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
“And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
“I don’t know,” the student said.
“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
“That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.'”
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”
“Yes, sir,” the boys said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”
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A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
“I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”
“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
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Is Windows A Virus?
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With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
“Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
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One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
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This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.
1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?
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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
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On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
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A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
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Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, “Those are deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “No, those are elk tracks.”
The third blonde said, “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.”
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”
Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”
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A salesman for the local paper called on Riley the chemist.
“No way. I’ve been in business forty-one years and never spent a penny on advertising yet.”
“Really? Then you can tell me, what is that handsome building on the top of the hill?”
“That’s St Catherine’s church.”
“Been there long?”
“Over a hundred years.”
“They still ring the bell, don’t they?”
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.
“That is the talking clock”, the man replied.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked.
“Watch”, the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s two AM in the morning!
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Before marriage
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After marriage .
READ BOTTOM TO TOP!!!
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A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”
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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
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The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.
In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.
Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.
His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.
He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.”
“No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”
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One day a boy came home running while crying.His mother asked what happened why are you crying?
The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’.
His mother said ‘That’s horrible.what did you not do’.
The boy in tears said`my homework....
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What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation
Submitted by abhi.
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Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.
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Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
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All electrons were in a party. Protons attacked them. A hero saves them. Electrons asked, “Who are you?”. Hero said, “BOND, COVALENT BOND”.
Protons have mass? I didn’t know they were catholic
So a neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a drink and the bartender says “for you, no charge
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A rep was flying to a sales conference. It was his first experience in an aircraft, so he was a little nervous, but he tried not to let it show. He was very taken with the air hostess, and particularly flattered when she invited him to sit down the back with her. He asked her:
“Do many passengers get airsick?”
“Not many,” she replied. “We usually spot them in advance and give them some sweets to suck.”
“What if that doesn’t work?”
“Oh, maybe we put a blanket over them, or even give them some oxygen.”
“What if it still doesn’t work?”
“Oh, then I bring them down the back to sit with me.”
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It was hot and dry and dusty. To make matters ten times worse there was a beer shortage. A rep walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
“Are you an RC?”
“What difference does religion make? All I want is a beer.”
“What I meant was, are you a regular customer?”
The rep admitted that he wasn’t and walked down the street to another pub. Once in the bar he said to the girl:
“I’m an RC, and I want a couple of beers.”
“I don’t care about your religion, but where are your glasses?”
“I don’t wear them.”
The girl was exasperated.
“Beer glasses, mate. Ours were all busted last night in a brawl.”
There was one pub left in the town. When he walked into the bar he spotted two glasses on the window sill. He grabbed them and took them to the bar. The barmaid looked at them.
“What are you trying to do? You’ve had your quota.”
=============================
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o mama’s so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!
Yo mama’s arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!
Yo mama’s mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!
Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo mama’s so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!
Yo mama’s so short she does backflips under the bed!
Yo mama’s so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!
Yo mama’s so poor she can’t afford to pay attention!
Yo mama’s so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!
Yo mama’s so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!
Yo mama’s so flat she’s jealous of the wall!
Yo mama’s so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers!
Yo mama’s so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!
Yo mama’s so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs!
Yo mama’s so bald you can see whats on her mind!
=============================
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Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”
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Once god came up to me & granted me a wish. I asked for “world peace”.
That’s im@possible, he said.
Then I asked him to give you brains.
He said “Let me try world peace”
=============================
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it o@n his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour a!ttempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had @barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
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Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?
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Two men sank into a@djacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going@, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn th@e midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him.”
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A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that s@he would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
“Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.” Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the b@ook along with the checks up in a package,kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, “I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.”
“That’s $1020!” yelled Dad. “Are you crazy?”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mu@m said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”
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Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo mama so old her s@ocial security number is 1!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old sh@e has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
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Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
Yo mama so tall she tripp@ed in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
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Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that @she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
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A political man to a woman, “You look beautiful today!!!!
“The woman replied, “Thanks, but unfortunately I could not
say the same about you. “Sure you could!!” said the political
man, “if you could lie as well as I do!”
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It Is The Past Tense Of Course.
A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:
When I say “I am be@autiful”, which tense is it?
One pupil answered: It is the past tense of course.
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One day Boy And Girl Decided to send messages
to each other by using Pigeon instead of mobile.
The very next day pigeon reached raja without any message.
He angered and calle@d to Girl.
She told stupid “This was a missed call”
Teacher in a furious mood… write down your name and father of your name!!
=============================
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“Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class”
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Keep Quiet
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Seeing the principal pas@sing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. “Keep quiet, the principal has passed away
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Babblu joined new jo@b. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Babblu : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
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Man was standing below a tube light with mouth wide open……..WHY?
Because his doctor advised him “Today’s dinner should be light”.
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A little boy asks a driver:
– Could you give me a ri@de, please? I’m late for school.
– But I’m heading in the opposite direction, son.
– Even better
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Professor Babbu a@sked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking.
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Girl: Wh@at is the name of your car?
Boy: I forgot the name, but is starts with ‘T’.
Girl: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol..
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Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly@ jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline “Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog.”
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that@ he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, “Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.”
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Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-@preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. When@ever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
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Maine tere pyar main kya nhi kiya, O chhaliye,
Maine tere pyar@ main kya nhi kiya, O chhaliye,
Iodex maaliye kaam pe, chaliye….
=============================
Mere Dil, Jiger, Kidney, Liver ho tum,
waqt-bewaqt aye vo fever ho tum,
Dub kar jis me maar jau vo River ho tum,
phir bhi Mere jevan main forever ho tum…
wah wah wah wah !!!!!
=============================
Bihar ki gali mai pan ki dukan,
Devdas ne dekhi Paro Ki muskaan,
Devdas ne khilaya paro ko pan,
Khaa ke pan, Par@o boli “Shukriya Bhai Jan.
=============================
Usey pane ki koi aas nahi hai
audience : lagta, hai gaheri chot khayi hai….
Ki Use pane ki k@oi aas nahi hai
Vjah yeh bhi hai, woh dikhne mai kuch khaas nhi hai
audience : wah wah…
Use pane ki koi aas nahi hai
Vajah yeh bhi hai, woh dikhne mai kuch khaas nahi hai
aur gold medalist hoti to shayad chal jata,
kambakht woh ek bhi subject mai paas nahi hai………
=============================
A Man went to Battery Shop and asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper a@ked: Exide laga doon?
A man : Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya
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Salman Ne Rajasthan Mai Mara Hiran
wah wah@
Salman Ne Rajasthan Mai Mara Hiran
wah wah
.
.
.
Shahrukh Darr Ke Bola
kkkkk…. kiran..
=============================
Thandi-Thandi hawa chali mausam hua suhana.
wah wah.
wah wah.
BANDAR bhi message pad rahe hai.
kya EDUCATED hua zamana.
=============================
Teri yaad mein humne kalam uthaayi
liya paper aur tasveer aapki bnayi
socha tha ki u@sko dil se laga kar rakhenge
magar vo to bacho ko draane ke kaam aayi…
=============================
Arz kiya hai..
.
.
.
.
Ruthi hai wo iss tarah jaise hum
sach me unhe mana lenge…
.
.
.
.
.
itna waqt kaun zaya kare itne me hum dusri pata lenge……
=============================
Plz Ignore Maat Karna
1 Bacha Jo Bhut Chota Hai
Kyu Ke Bache Chote Hote Hai…..
Us Bechare Ko Apni Potty Dhoni Nahi Aati
Hum Log Ro@zana Kitne Fuzul Msg Karte Hai
Plz 1 Ye Msg Be Sub Ko Forward Karo Taki.
Koi Uski Potty Dhula Sake…
=============================
Jee karta hai,
Apke pas aau,
Apke pa@s aa k zara ruk jau....
Na bolu, na baithu…
Bus apki ankho me ..
Santre ka chilka nichor kar bhaag jau….. 😀 😛
=============================
How a woman calls her husband in first 6 years:
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How a woman calls her husband in first 6 years:
Year 1. Janu
Year 2. O G.
Year 3. Aaji, sunte ho?
Year 4.@ Arrey, O Bunty ke pappa
And then……
Year 5. Kahan maar gaye?
Year 6. Tum aate ho ke main aaon?
=============================
Fill blank wth YES/NO
1)…,Im not mentally fit!
2)…,I have@ no brain!
3)…,I have no commonsense!
4)..,I am mad!
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Pe-@peep Pe”peep
Pe-peep
Peep peep Pe’peep
Ghng ghngg
P-peep
Pe’peep
Pe”peep
Saaamnay se hatJaaao
Joke aa raha hai…… :p
=============================
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My friend thinks he is smart.
He told m@e an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face…… 😀 :p
=============================
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What’s the height of hope??
It is: sitti@ng in d exam hall,
holding the question paper in hand
and telling yourself
“dude,don’t worry.
Exams will get postponed!”
=============================
Chintu sabji lene gaya…..
Sabji wala sabji par pani chidak raha tha…
Chintu intez@ar karta raha jab kafi der ho gyi to bola – Agar inhe hosh aa gaya ho to 1 kilo tol do..
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2 boys with Bunty where going on a Motor cycle.
Polic@eman gives hand to stop.
Bunty shouted oye pehle hi teen bhete hai tu kaha bethega…!
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Judge: U r crossing the limits.
Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge: How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun ‘Sa Law’ kehta hai?
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45 saal ka SSALMAN…N K…KHAN ladki dekhne gaya!
Ladki ki Maa behosh ho gayi!
Hosh aya
kaaran pucha
boli- 20 saal @pehle ye muje bhi dekhne aaya tha
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Wife: “H@ow would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable,
gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
=============================
“DRINKS”
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“DRINKS”
D-elicious after 1 Peg.
R-omantic after 2 peg.
I-nterested after 3 peg.
N-aughty after 4 peg.
K-@ing after 5 peg.
S-nake after 6 peg..
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Pappu : Station jaane ke kitne logay?
Rikshawala : 50
Pappu : 20 lelo
Riksha : 20 main kon le ke jaayeega?
Pappu : tum piche bheto hum leke jaayega
=============================
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Haryana ka jaat 1 chori te apne pyar ka izhaar krne gaya…
Jaat – I luv U
Chori – @Thappad marun key?
Jaat- phir ghusand na khavegi….
=============================
Ek chuha sharab ke drum main gir gaya,
bahar nikal kar mast hokar,
sath main soye hui Billi ki puchh pe pao rakh kar bola:
“UTH MUNNI, CHULBUL PANDEY TERA DANCE DEKHNE AYA HAI”
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Ek hi colour ka dress pehan kar hum sab lagte the kitne ache
School lagta tha poultry farm Aur hum sab murghi ke bache….
Mujhko samajh na aya aaj tak teacher ka ye funda..
Humein bana deti thi murgha or khud copy pe deti thi anda..
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Husband : Aaj khana tumhari Maa ne banaya hai ?
Wife : Haan par apko kaise pata chala ?
Husband : Roz @khaney mein kaaly baal milte hain aur aaj safaid mila hai.
=============================
Ek aadmi ko y@e sunkar sadma lag gaya..
Jab uski kaam walli bai ne kha..!!
.
.
.
.
.
Sahab! Faceboo@k pe muje bhi add karlo!!
=============================
Pappu, Ladki Dekhne Gaya,
Family Walo N@e Akele Bithaya
Pappu: Behanji, Aap Kitne Bhai-Behan Ho!
Ladki: Pehle 3 The Ab 4 HO GAYE !
=============================
When I was born Devil said… Oh Shit!!! Another angel!!!..
& When u were born devil said … Oh Shit!!!! …. Competition…
Americans Invented Mobile, iPhone, Cellphone.
Japanese Invented SIM Card.
Indians Invented Missed Call.!
=============================
Ek katoori lo, usme kuch angoor dalo,
phir mirror ke paas jao, pata hai tumhe kya dikhega?
“langoor ke hath me angoor”.
=============================
Sometimes When We Cry,No One see are tears,
;-( When we ar@e worried No One see are pain,
:-( When We are happy No One see are smile,
😀 Aur jis din re@sult ataa hey toh Pura khandaan phone kar ke puchta hey kaisa raha result.
Dekh yaar tabhi gussa ataa hey:
=============================
Admi bakriyan chara raha tha
Pathan: ye bakriyan kahan le ja rahe ho?
Admi: Inhen school chorne ja raha hon
Pthan: Mujhe pagal samaja hai? Aaj to itwaar ha
=============================
Bhikari Sham Say! Mujhy Khaany Ko Kuch Mill Sakta Hai.
Sham: Kal Ki R@oti Kha Lo Gy?
Bhikari: G Han Bilkul.
Sham: Acha To Phir Kal Time Se Aa Jana…
=============================
Teacher: Jawani@ aur Budhape me farak batao?
Student: Jawani me mobile me “HASEENO” k numbers hote hai,
Aur Budhape me “HAKEEMO” ke..!
=============================
God has given many qualities to you,
Good look, per@sonality, charm, intelligence,
And many more……this is call as
“Allah meherbaan to gadha bhi pehalwan…”
=============================
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
=============================
Biwi (Ghusse Main): Tumhare Dimag Main To Sirf Gobar Hi Bhara Hai!
Husband (Pyar Se): To Phir Itni Der Se Kha Kyon Rahi Ho?
=============================
Shaadi me dulhe ke sath baraati kyu jate hai?
Think b4 read
Kyuki log kehte hai ke kisi ke Sukh me jao ya na, par dukh me jarur jana chahiye…
Ishu ki biwi ka rang bohut kala tha,
Ek din biwi ne Orange@ Color ki Sari pehni aur pucha: Kesi lag rahi hu?
Ishu: Aise jaise SURMEY ki Factory mein aag lagi ho.
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Girl: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: H@ow about this card, it says “To the only boy I ever loved”
Girl: Great! I want 10 of them.
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Several women appeared in court,
each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived.
The judg@e called for orderly testimony.
“I’ll hear the oldest first,” .
The case was closed for lack of evidence.
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Kal raat machar ne kata mere chehre par,
dil mein junoon tha…aankhoon mein khoon tha,
uthaya ussay masaal dene ke liye, par khayaal aya,
kambakht mein bhi akhir apna hi khoon tha….
=============================
Ishq ke school me naya mahoul taiyar ho gaya,
Pappu ki GF@ se puri class ko pyar ho gaya,
Bas tabhi se pappu udas ho gaya,
Puri class fail or Pappu pas ho gaya!
=============================
At the beginn@ing of any relationship every girl treats her boyfriend as ‘GOD’
But later on somehow the alphabets get reversed….
=============================
New Style Of Proposing:
Boy: Can I Take ur Photo?
Girl: Y?
Boy: Just Wanted 2 Show My Children
That How Der Mom Looked In Her Younger Age.
=============================
Kya Bataye Apne
Doston Ki
Wo To Hai Nirale
Funter
Girl FRI@END Ke Liye ˜KFC KA BERGAR Or
Dosto Ke Liye
GURU DAWARE Ka LANGAR
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ARZ KIYA HAI
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ARZ KIYA HAI :
Rajwade me@ ud rahe the hathi, rajwade me ud rahe the hathi,
.
.
.
.
itne dhyan se kya padh rahe ho DEHATI ……
kbhi dekha hai udhta hua…. HATHI ?????
=============================
A boy was trying 2 propose a girl
finally he pro@posed in unique way;
“kya tum apni chita ko aag lagane ka adhikar
Mere Bete ko Dogi.
Once Rajnikanth went to Mc’Donalds, He Ordered A Dosa,
but Mr. Mc’Donalds refused…
Since that day,
Mr. McDonald sits outside his own restaurant!!
=============================
YUN TO HUM HAI BHRAMCHARI.
MAGAR JA@HAN DEKHI NAARI WAHIN AANKH MARI
PAT GAYI TO HAMARI
VERNA FIR BHARAMCHARI
=============================
Tune mera dil toda kiya mera apmaan,
wah wah
tune mera dil toda kiya mera apmaan
wah wah
kya is baar duniya ko bacha payega shaktimaan..?
=============================
Aisi Kya Cheez Hai,
Jo Khridne W@ala Kbhi Pehenta Nhi
Aur Pehene Wala Kbhi Khridta Nhi
.
.
Baby Diapers
=============================
Har jag@ah Toofan sa Aya hai,
Charo taraf hahakar machaya hai,
Jisko dekho lab pe 1 hi naam chaya hai,
Jab bhi bajti hai msg tone, to sab bolte hain lo fir se “Sheela” ka msg aya hai…
=============================
Khud ko kar nalayak itna ki koi be book padne se pehle,
uska har panna tumse khud puche
beta tabiyet to thik hai na?
aaj kaise y@aad aa gaye hum…..
=============================
Michael Jackson didn’t die by drugs,
those were rumours!
.
.
He got major @heart attack after seeing that he cannot do the dance steps of Rajnikant…!!
=============================
GF- Main kisi aur se shaadi kr rahi hu
Bf- Na tere a@ane ki khushi,
Na tere jane ka gum….
Ja
Dusri pata lenge hum,
Kyuki jisme hai dum wo hai BAJIRAO SINGHAM…..
=============================
Husband: Ka@l mere khawab main ek larki aye thi. Wah! Kia Larki thee!
Wife: Akeli ayee hogi?
Husband: Tum ko kese pata?
Wife: Uska Husband mere khawab main aya tha!
=============================
Terrorists have kidnapped our lecturers…
and demanded aransom of 500 rs or else they will burn them with kerosene…
plz donate. i have donated 15 litres.
Pappu Dukhi Tha
Kisi Ne Pucha: @Kyu Tension Me Ho?
Pappu: Yaar Ek Dost Ko plastic Surgery Ke Liye 2 Lakh Diye,
Ab Saale Ko Pehchan Nahi pa raha hu
=============================
Ek Admi Apne Biwi Ke Har Kam Me Nuks Nikalta Tha
Aagr Wo @Anda Boil Kar Deti To Kehta Ke Fry Karna Tha
Aagr Fry Karti To Kehta Ke Boil Karna Tha
Ek Din Biwi Ne Dono Bana diya
Pehle To Wo Dono Ando Ko Gaur Say Dekhta Raha
Phir Kehne Laga ..
“Tumhe Akal Kab ayegi.. Jis Anday Ko Fry Karna Tha Us Ko Boil Kar Dia Aur Jis Ko
Boil Karna Tha UsKo Fry….
=============================
Dimag jiska “ICE”, Jivan uska “NICE”
Dil jiska “PURE”, safalta mile “Sure”
Najar jiski “CLEA@R”, Wo bane sabka “Dear”
=============================
1 larka daru pe ke aya,
Dad se bachne ke liye bari si book lekar padhne laga!
Dad: Daru Pe ke aya hai?
Son: Nhi To?
Dad: Kamine, Phir suitcase khol ke kya bak-bak kar raha hai..
=============================
Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means…Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says No, it means – With Idiot for Ever
=============================
An Engineer went 2 girl home with a rose 2 propose her…,
He pressed bell. But her Dad opened the door
.
.
.
.
.
Engineer :”Uncle plz support ANNA HAZARE”
=============================
One day Raja and Rani decided to send messages to each other by using
Pigeon instead of mobile.
The very next day pigeon reached Raja without any message.
He angered and called to Rani.
She told stupid “This was a missed call”
=============================
Shayari 4 u
Tere pyar ka saya (wah wah) Tere pyar ka saya (wah wah)
Tere pyar ka saya,(wah wah wah)
2 Minute ruk Main Susu karke aaya
=============================
IF U love sum one don’t keep him in ur heart!
keep him on ur nails!
So if U Fail in love,
don’t break ur heart!
Just cut the nails!
……Dats Y girLS keeP lonG naiLs. .
=============================
Circus mein ladki ne sher ko kiss kiya to
Ring mastar ne kaha, “Aap mein se koi yeh kar sakta hai”,
Sham- Zarur par pehle iss sher ko peeche hatao!
=============================
Aaj agar aapka SMS ayega to hi hum ROTI khayenge
warna 6 parathe,
panir ki sabzi,
kashmiri pulaw,
ice-cream,
1 glass dudh pikar bhukhe hi so jayenge..!!
=============================
Baap ne bete ki talahshi li
Cigarette Beer or Girl’s ke No. nikle
Baap ne bahut mara, pucha kab se Chal rha h sab?
Beta (rote hue) – Papa ye jacket to apki hai
=============================
Hame To Apno Ne Luta.
Gairo Mai Kahan Dam Tha !
Roti. Kapra. Makan. Ko To Choro..
Rat mai ‘Lotay Mai Pani’ Kam Tha
=============================
Larki: Jan mujhe aise propose kro jaise aaj tak kisi ne na kiya ho
Larka : kamini zaleel I love U ,
mujhse shadi kar ke mujhe barbaad kar de kambakhat…. 😉
=============================
Exam me teacher ne nakal karne di aur kaha bahar jake
na kehna ki meine nakal karai hai.
Ramesh : Na jee na hum kahenge sir to bahut kamina tha,
kutte ne seat se hilne bhi nahi diya!
=============================
A mobile is like women :-
Talks non-stop,
Costs a fortune,
Disturbs when your busy And when U need them urgently,
they have no service.
=============================
Phulo ko phul pasand hai
Dilo ko Dil pasand hai
Shayar ko Shayari pasand hai
kisi ki pasand se @hame kya
hame to AAP KI GIRL FRIEND PASAND hai
wah wah…. 😛 😀
=============================
Man receives telegram:
Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash….
=============================
Pappu asks Sonu: Tujay larki phasani aati hai?
Sonu: Nahi..!
Pappu: Nahi aati to seekh le..
Pehle ek kaagaz ka jahaaz bana..
Phir usay class mein ura..
Mam ke puchne par.. larki ka naam lagade..
BAS PHAS GAI LARKI . . .
=============================
Pappu: Cycle ke bre@ak hath me lekar nach raha tha!! !
Max- ye kya kr raha ae pappu?
Pappu-oye!
BREAK DANCE kar rha hoon!
Master ne bache ki roti kha kar usko kaha:
@
Beta ghar ja kr mera naam to nhi bataoge na ?
Bacha:Nhi Master G ,
main maa ko kahunga ke meri Roti Kutta kha gaya…. 😀 :p
=============================
Aankho se aansuon ki judaai kar do.
Dil se gamo ki vidaai kar do. Agar dil na lage kahin to.
aa jaao mere ghar ki putaai kar do..
Limited Offer Till “Diwali 2015”.
=============================
Teacher- Batao Kutta Puch Q Hilata Hai..?
Student- Q ki Puch Me@ Itni Takat Nhi Hoti Ke Wo Kutte Ko Hila Sake.. Seedhi Baat,No Bakvas
=============================
E-Mail This
TEACHER: kal school kyo nhi aye tum?
STUDENT: mujhe bird flu hogya tha
TEACHER: k@ya?? ye to murge ki bemari hai
STUDENT: aap ne mujhe insan kab chora hai ?
roz hi to murga b@ana deti ho …..
=============================
Tom : Dekh teri biwi ko saap kat rha hai …
Jerry : Chinta @mat kr yaar, saap ka zeher khatam ho gya hai, recharge krwane aya hoga…
=============================
Autowala@ : Sahb 30 Rs. hue…
TOM: Ye le 15 Rs.
Autowala: Ye to beymani hai…
TOM : abe beymani kaisi, tu bhi to baith ke aya hai, adha tu de….
=============================
You are the one who is charming
You are the one who is Intelligent
You are the one who is CUTE
and I am the one who is spreading these rumors…
=============================
Height of Over Smartness!
College Boy N@e Larki se Poocha: Tumhara Naam Kya Hai?
Girl: Mujhe Sab Behan Kehte Hain. . . .
Boy: Aur Mujhe Sab Behnoi
Kehte Hain.
=============================
E-Mail This
Monday ko dosti,
Tuesday ko pyar,
We@dnesday ko shaadi,
Thursday ko barbadi,
Friday ko fighting,
Saturday ko talaq,
Sunday ko rest,
Monday ko phir se talash.
=============================
1 night a boy hel@ped a unknown aunty to reach her home.
Aunty: Beta, raat bahut ho gayi hai yahi so jao , bittu ke room me.
Boy: Nahi aunty, mai yahi hall me so jaunga.
Next morni@ng a beautiful girl come with a cup of coffee.
Boy: Aap kaun?
Girl: Mai bittu. aur aap?
Boy: Mai gadha, kutta, ullu ka pattha.
=============================
This year is a mathematical operating year of ‘1’
1+1=2 Add
1-1=0 Sub
1*1=1 Mul
1/1=1 Div
That is ‘2011’
Plz don’t force me for Nobel prize.
i hate publicity.;)
=============================
Sabse cool?
Aap Ho
Sabse smart?
Aap Ho
Sabse sweet?
Aap Ho
Sabse Mast?
Aap Ho
zyada udo ma@t ye msg mujhe aaya tha apko sirf forward kiya
=============================
Cat: How old are you?
Elephant: 5yrs
Cat: But you looking big
Elephant: I am a complain boy
Cat: I am 30yrs
Elephant: But yo2u look so small
Cat: I am a jhandu kesri jivan badhti umar mano tham si jaye
=============================
Jab tum angdayi leti ho to mera dam nikal jata hai,
jab tum angdayi leti ho to mera dam nikal jata hai,
wah wa@h!!!!
arey thoda deodrant lagane main tera kya jata hai.
wah wah wah!!!!! :)
=============================
Rocking PJ..
1.Saa
2.Re
3.Ga
4.Maa
5.Paa
6.Dha
7.Nee
8.Saa
Khud Ko Pehchan
Ne K L@iye
Kripya 3 Aur 6 Firse DohrAYe………
=============================
Once Rajnikant f@orgot his toys in America when he was small….
.
.
.
.
Now that place is known as
“Disney Land”.. 😛
=============================
Pappu :- Bhai Saheb 2 Ticket Dena,
Conductor:- 2 Q ?
Pappu :- 1 Kho Jaye To Dusri Kaam Ayegi,
Conductor:- Dono Kho Gayi To ?
Pappu :- Fir Sa@la Pass Kis Din Kam Aayega.
=============================
Wife:What is 10 years with me?
Husband:A second.
Wife:@What is $1000 for me?
Husband:A coin.
Wife: Ok give me a coin.
Husband:Wait a second
=============================
Internet par ladki pataayi,
Internet p@ar ho gayi sagaayi,
Internet par divorce ho gaya,
Isi bahaane computer ka course ho gaya
=============================
Sweetest Proposal by KG class Boy
Boy:Kya tu mjhse shadi kalegi?
Gal:Nahi
Boy:Kalle na plz
Gal:na!hi mai naih kalungi
Boy:kalle na didi plz....
=============================
Zindgi ke 7 Aehm kaam-
1)Studies
2)Games
3)Entertainment
4)Love
5)..
6)..
7)..
??
Love ke Bad@ insan kisi bhi kam ka nahi rahta
=============================
Name: CHAMPA
DOB: 14/8/72
Wt: 149kg
Height: 4ft
Color: Black
State@: Jharkhand
Kaam: Gobar uthana
Dream: Shadi karungi to sirf is joke padhne wale se…….
=============================
1 Aadm@i train se utar ke dusre aadmi se puchta hai: Ye kaun sa station hai?
dusre aadmi Ne socha socha,
bahot soocha Or bola
Railway Station hai……
=============================
1 Over me Kitne Balls Pheke Jate hai
Kya apne kaha 6?
Galat jawab
1 over me 1 h@i ball 6 bar feka jata he
Bade aye!
Cricket k shokeeeen!
=============================
Pappu jab exam dene geya toh woh
apne saath Plumber ko kyun le gaye?
Kyunki pappu @ko information mili thi
ke Paper leak ho geya hai.
=============================
Tum paas aae
Yun muskuraye
Apne 32 dant
Mujko @dikhaye
Dekh ke mera dil
Phoot Phoot ke rota hai
*
*
Yaar tumse BRUSH bhi
Theek se nahi hota hai
=============================
Bo@y friend is fun,& Husband is gun,
Boy friend is light of moon, & Husband is month of june,
Boy friend is tooty fruity,& Husband is qismat phooti.
=============================
Teri dosti me hum deewan@e ho gae, tujhe apna banate banate begane ho gae, Pukar le 1 bar pyar se ae dost, Bandar ki awaz sune zamane ho gaye.
=============================
What’s the difference between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like gir@lfriend,
that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife,
Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
=============================
Aadhi Raat Ko Kisi Ne Baja Di Kisi Ghar Ki Bell
Wah Wah
Wah Wah
Neche Aaya To Watchman Ne Kaha
All Is Well
All Is Well
=============================
Mubark ho S@ab Se kam SMS Karne Par
Milta Hai 180 cc
Ka
Gadha
(\./)
/.”.) “———–;”;
\,,/”(‘______ ‘)\
//\\ //\\
Enjoy Drive
=============================
Mom: Kyu rote ho
Son: Dad @ne mujhe kissi nahi di
@
Mom: Tumne unko Table nahi sunaya hoga
Son: bazU wali aunty ko kaunse tables aata he
=============================
A girl checks her lover’s mobile to know under which name he has saved
HER no: when dialed it showed. . . . TIME PASS NO.8 – calling.
=============================
1 Electric Taa@r ko dusre Electric Taar se pyar ho jata hai, To aap is pyar ka kya naam denge?
Socho
Socho
Arey “CURRENT AFFAIR”
=============================
Height Of Common Sense..!!
Teacher:@ Jab Bijli Chamakti Hai To Hum Ko Roshni Pehley Or Awaz Baad Mein Q Aati Hai?
Student : Q K Hmari Ankhein Agey Hain Or Kaan Peechey.
=============================
Ek Adami T.V per Murga bomb rakh kar india ka match daikh raha tha.
Biwi : ye mu@rga bomb kis liye rakha hai?
Adami : agar aaj salaye haray toh puri team ko murga bomb se urra do ga ……..
=============================
Sales m@an: Ishu saab naya powder aaya hai so Cockroaches k liye lelo. . . .
Ishu : Na ji na Cockroaches ko itna bhi free nahi karna, Agar aaj powder lekar diya to kal Body Spray maangengy.
=============================
<(-.-)> Chingu
<('.')> Pingu
<(*_*)> Mingu
Kya ye bacche apke hai,
Ager nahi to aage bhejdo,
Jiske honge@ rakh lega,
Surat mil rahi thi to lga apke honge!
=============================
Teacher: Galti hone pe maafi magne wale ko kya kahte hai?
Student: S@amajhdaar
Teacher: Aur galti na hone pe bhi maafi mangne waale ko kya kahte hai?
Student: BOYFRIEND
=============================
Garmi aagyi hai
apna khayal rakhna
pani jyada pina
khana kam khana aur sabse jaruri bat
Sir ko dhu@p se bachana
kyon ke bhuse me jaldi aag lagti he……
=============================
Dil se apka khyaal jata nhi,
Apke siwa koi yaad ata nhi,
Hasrat hai roz apko dekhu,
Par kam@bakt woh mdari apko roz lata nhi….
=============================
Ek Din murakh Adami ne ek bahut sundar ladki dekhi aur socha……
Bahut s@ocha…..
.
.
.
.
.
Kya Socha…
.
.
.
.
.
Kash ye meri maa hoti to mai bhi itna sundar hota
=============================
Senior student during ragging says : In your marriage i will kiss your Wife….
Junior : Fine @but i will marry your sister ….
“le ab le le pappi”
=============================
Girls before marriage look like :Barbie Doll
After Marriage: Beautiful Doll
After 1 Ye@ar: Nice Doll
After 2 Years: only Doll
After 5 years: Dhol
=============================
“Maa”
Maa Kya Hai?
Ek Khubsurat Rishte Ka Naam,
Maa Ke Daam Se@ Hi Kaynaat Me Rang He,
Ye Maa Hi He Jo Apne Bacho Ko Subha Uthati Aur Khti Hai Ke
.
.
.
Uth Jao Nalayko 11 Baj Rahe Hain…
=============================
Ek Rexona naam ki ladki thi,
Jo Diana aur Cinthol ki beti thi,
Wo M@argo par Yu marti thi,
Aur use apna lifebuoy bnana chahti thi,
Unka pyar pears jaisa soft tha
& soon de get married in Fair & Lovely Garden,
In da party, Dettol, Medimix, Lux, Faa, Nirma Vivel etc
were invited
After a few years they had twins Johnson & Johnson
Ye 1 tarika tha apko batane ka ki bazar me sabuno ki kami nhi hai
Varieties up@labadh hai
So saal me 1 din nahane ki adaat chor de…..
=============================
Admi Sharab Ka Glass Samnay Rakh Ke Shanti se Baitha Hua Tha..
Dost Aa Ke @Sath Baith Gaya Usko Thapki Detay Hue Glass Utha Ke
1 He Ghunt Main Pi Gaya
Aur Bola Sun Jigar Q Udas Hai?
Dost: Yaar Aaj To Din He Bura Hai
Subha Biwi Se Jhagda Ho Gaya,
Raste Main Gadi Kharab Ho Gayi office
Late Pa@hucha Boss Ne Naukri Se Nikal Dia,
Girl Friend Chor Kr Chali Gayi,
Khudkushi Ke Liye Zeher rakha tha
Wo Glass Tu Pe Gaya
Apna To Din Hi kharaab Hai…
=============================
Agar Mobile India Main Bana Hota To Us Mai Ye Templates Hote:
1.Kuttey Call Kr
2.cigarette Lete Hue Aiyo
3.Yaar@ Kisi Lakdi Ka No. Dede
4.Recharge Karade Kamine
5.Kuttey ! Kahan Mrra Pada Hai
6.G@ate Pe Aja Jaldi
7.Yaar Meri Bandi Naraz Ho Gayi Hai…
=============================
Ye student ki pehchan hai
Hath mai cigarette mu main pan hai
Ma@shoor ye saitan hai
Ye student ki pehchan hai
Padhna isse ata nhi
Class kabhi jata nhi
Canteen is ki jan hai
Ye student ki pehchan hai
Jaalso main sb se age hai
Naaron mein sb se agey hain
Imtehan mein naqal is ki ann hai
Ye student ki pehchn hai
Larkiyo k peche hai pdha
Jo larki guss@a ho zara
Tab ye banta bhai jaan hai
Ye student ki pehchan hai..
=============================
Maths pj-
“Usne na ki meri mohabt ki kdar,
Usne na ki meri mohabbt ki kdar,
To mene be s@och liya,
TWO PARALLEL LINES NEVER INTERSECT EACH Othr….
Ek Traffic Police Wala Budhiya Se-
Me Kitni D@er Se Siti Baja Raha Tha, Aap Ruki Q Nahi
Budhiya- Beta, Aab Meri Siti Sun K Rukne Ki Umar Hai Kya
=============================
Jawani Ke Din Chamkile Ho Gaye,
Husn Ke Tevar Nukeele Ho Gaye,
Hum Ijhaar Karne Me Thode Dhele Ho Gaye,
Aur Udhar Unk@e Hath Peele Ho Gaye!.
=============================
A man was working 1st time in a garment shop.
A custome@r girl asked:Underwear dikhana plz.
Man thora sharmakar: Ji aaj nahi pehni.
=============================
1 bacha roj mandir se chapal churata tha,
ek din sar@e chapal bech ke 1 mobile kharida,
aaj wahi bacha apni story pad raha hai apni mobile pe :)..
=============================
Sonu-Yaar,English Me ‘Jhopdi’ Ko Kya Kehte He
Monu-Hutt
Sonu-Abe,English Aati Nhi To Saaf Saaf Bol Na..hutt hutt kaya bol rahe ho
=============================
Machar ne ik aadmi ko din main kaat liya
Aadmi: tum to raat main kaat-te ho din main kyun kaata?
@
Machar: ghar ke halaat kharab hain,
“overtime laga raha hoon.”
=============================
Judge: why are you arrested?
Man: @for shopping early?
Judge: well, that is not a crime,
anyway how early were u shopping?
Man@: before opening the shop
=============================
Sweet insult!!
Ek ladka gadhe ke samne gir gaya.
Ek khubs@urat ladki ne dekha aur kaha apne bade bhai ka pair chhu rahe
ho kya?
Ladka : ji bhabhiji.
Leave a comment
For Pepsi “Shahrukh”
E-Mail This
For Pepsi “Shahrukh”
For Coke “Aamir”
For Limca “Riya”
For Fanta “Rani”
For @Thumps Up “Akshay”
Dont Worry Aap Ka Naam “Desi Daru” Ke liye
=============================
1980 GIRL
Ma@ma can I wear jeans.
Mama no beta log kia kahng ge
2016 GIRL
Mama can I wear mini skirts
Mama pahen meri bachi pahen kuch to pahen…
=============================
You Are 100% beautiful,
You Are 100% lucky
You Are 100% sweet ,
You Ar@e 100% nice,
and You Are 100% stupid to believe these words…
=============================
Thinking of Indians
Sarkari @Bus main bethna nahi,
Sarkari School main padhna nahi,
Sarkari Hospital main ilaz nahi,
Magaar
Naukri chahiye to kewal Sarkari…. Wah INDIA
=============================
Pundit:-Tumhare jeevan me 6 larkian ayengi.
Bow:W@ow, kia bat hai.
Pandit:Ziada khush hone ki baat nahin hai.
1 ghar wali or 5 betiyan hain
=============================
Question@:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
=============================
In the exam hall.
Exam@iner : why you wrote the formula in your hand.
Student : Because my master told me that, formulas must be on finger tips.
=============================
Husband : Tumse Shaadi Karke Mujhe Ek Bahut Faayada Hua.
Wife :kaun Sa Faayada?
Hus@band : Mujhe Mere Gunaaho ki Saza Jeete-Jee Hi Mil Gai…
=============================
Yahoooooo…….!
Exams ki saari taiyaari ho gayi
Pen
Pencil
Scale
Eraser
Sab Taiyyar hai
BU@S AB..
Padhna baki hai …:
=======================
E-Mail This
Bruce Lee’s favorite,
VEGETABLE: MU LEE
BREAKFAST: ID LEE
FESTIVAL: DIVA LEE
ACTRESS: SONA LEE
MUSIC: QWAA LEE
MOV@IE: COO LEE No. 1
ANIMAL: BIL LEE
TIMEPASS: KHUJ LEE
=======================
E-Mail This
You are genius,
your mind is a master piece.
It is divided into left and right.
In the l@eft part nothing is right
and in right part nothing is left.
=======================
E-Mail This
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You lo@ok like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I’ll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
==========================
FRIEND is Asian paints jo Duniya badal de.
GIRL FRIEND is Everest masala jo Taste mein best.
WIFE is Mosquito coil jo kone se dhund ke mare!
==========================
Girlfrnd: Es week roj shopping karenge, next week roj movie dekhenge.
Boyfr@nd: Uske agle week roj mandir jayenge.
Girlfrnd: Kyu?
Boyfrnd: Bheekh maangne.
==========================
Pinki- Tmhare Papa kitne saal ke hai!!
Pappu- Jitne saal ka mai hu.
Pin@ki- Kaise!!
Pappu- Jis din mai paida huwa usi din to wo papa bane..
==========================
Ladki apne Boyfriend ko naraz
karn@e ke baad SMS pe kaise manati hai..!!
1st Hour: Sorry
2nd Hour: Sorry plzz..
3rd Hour: Plzz 1 baar baat karlo.
4th Hour: Plzz reply jaan…
5th Hour: Plzzz itna naraz mat ho..
6th Hour: I’m sorry, I’ll die agar tumne baat nahi ki..
7th Hour: Dafa ho, 100 ladke ghumte haitere jaise..
Sar pe hi chadh@a jaa rha hai, bhaad me jaa..
Boy: Sorry Dear, balance nahi tha.
Girl: Ohh.. Its okkk love u jaan..
==========================
Boy- Can i Hold your Hand?
Girl- No!
Boy- Why?
Gal- Bcoz it Hurts when you Leave it.
Boy- Maa kasam, Humari Acting!
To Ladkiyo ki Over Acting
==========================
HEIGHT OF BAD LUCK
Boy: Marr@y me
Girl: Do u have a house?
Boy: No
Girl: Do u have a BMW car?
Boy: No
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but
Girl: No but. u have nothing.. How can i marry u.?? Leave please!!
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa,
3 property lands,
3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche..
Why I still need to buy BMW?
How can I get the salary when actually Im the BOSS!
==========================
Dil Todne ke liye bus yehi baat Kaafi hai….
Raat ke 2 baje
The number you have dialled is busy on another call
==========================
GUY (la@ughing): My friend has stolen my girlfriend’s number from my cell..!!
FRIEND: So what’s next?
GUY: The idiot is sending romantic messages to his own sister.
==========================
Boy: There is no ink in this pen
Girl: Are u blind? there is ink in this pen
Boy: Then write your phone number and Show.
==========================
Larki ka Baap Larki se..
Jisse tum pa@sand karti ho
Uske Paas Bangla, Gaari, Jaayedad to hai na?
Larki: Tauba Hay..
Saare Mard Ek Jaise Hote hain..
Wo bhi Aapke Bare mein Yehi Pooch raha tha!!
GIRL- Plz don’t drink and drive… Accident bohot ho rahe aaj kal
BOY- Tha@nx baby you’re so caring.
FRIENDS- Plz dont drink and drive… Accident bohot ho rahe aaj kal
BOY- Baap ko mat sikha…
==========================
New Style of Purposing A Girl
Dekho mein nahi Chahta ke Mera Beta
Bara Hokar
Tumhari Beti ko Line Mare
Muje Bura Lagega
Tum@
Han Kaho To
Dono Ko Bhai Behen Bana Den..!!
==========================
1970: Dulha dahej mein Radio mangta tha.
1980: Me TV
1990: Bike
2000: Car
2015
.
.
.
.
Bas bina@ boyfriend wali Dulhan de do.
==========================
Arz kiya hai..
Muskarana to har ladki ki adaa hai.
Wah wah..
Gor farm@aiye..
Muskarana to har ladki ki adaa hai.
@
Use jo mohabbat samjhe wo sabse bada GDHA hai.
==========================
A boy was walking in rain.
A girl came: Why didn’t you share umbrella?
Boy: no its Ok sister & walked away.
.
.
Moral: Moral voral kuch nahi.. Ladki khaas nahi thi!
==========================
Sonu: Tum Chinese jaisi kyu dikhti ho!
Girl: Mere dad Chinese the.
Sonu: Wo kaha hai!
Girl: Mar gaye.
Sonu: Oh! Aakhir China ka maal tha, chalta bhi kitna!
==========================
A boy was going with his Lover.
His friend asked: Who is she..?
BOY: My cousin..
Friend s@miled and said: Last year she was my cousin..!! :)
==========================
Agar aap ki Girlfriend
S-mart
I-ntelligent
S-wee@t
T-alented
E-motional
R-omantic
hai to aap short mein use
SISTER bhi keh sakte hain..!!
==========================
True lines:
Our heart is the greatest haramkhor in d world..
Sala usi k@e liye pareshan rahega, jo bhav nahi deti!
==========================
Zindagi mein GirlFriend
banana @bhi bahut zaruri hai
pucho kyu?
Kyu ki,
Zindagi mein KHUSHIYAN
hi sab kuch nahi hoti,
tension bhi zaruri hai!
==========================
Who is a Boy?
Ladke wo hai,
Jo marne ke baad narak me bhi mile to,
Waha bhi kehte hai:
“Abe yamraj ki ladki dekhi”..?
kya maal hai yaar”
==========================
Modern@ Style wedding
Pujari: Do u Both Agree to Change Your Facebook Status to MARRIED?
Couple: Yes, we do
Pujari: Vivah sammpan.
==========================
2 Lovers ke beech fight ho rahi thi
GF: Kamine!! mei@n tere kapde faad dungi.
BF: Dekh ab tu serious ladai mein romantic baat maat kar.
==========================
Difference of Nature:
Two girls wearing same T-Shirt
Response: Kamini “COPIED MY STYLE”
2 boys wear@ing same T-Shirt
Response: O Mera Bhai.
==========================
Mentos idea:
Raah chalte agar koi ladki aap ko bhai bol de, to
?
?
?
Simple use zor se 1 chanta maro,
aur bolo:
“Yahan kahan ghum rahi hai? Chal ghar!!!”
==========================
Raat ko 12 baje ladki ne boyfriend ko call kia aur kaha,
ghar par k@oi nahi hai,
boyfriend uske ghar gaya aur..
.
.
.
Sachmuch koi nahi tha,
tala laga tha!
==========================
Girl: Hi baby
Bo@y: hi jaan
Girl: Ru here?
Boy: Yes yes.. Im here (sending faild)
Girl: Ru ignorng me or what?
Boy: Honey im not.. Im right here (sending faild)
Girl: Its ov@er.. dont u ever talk to me again!
Boy: Go to hell (message sent)
==========================
A nursery boy proposes a girl:
I Love U.
Gal Replies:
Ek t@hapad marungi khichke.
boy Replies
Mukka to jese tu khaygi nahi phir?
badhi aayi thapad marungi.
==========================
Girl: Aaj se hmara rishta khatm hum ek-dusre ko sare gift waaps karte hai.
Boy: Thik hai RECHARGE se start karte hai.
Girl: Jaanu ab mazak b@hi nahi kar sakti kya.
==========================
Tuje paane ke liye kuch bhi kar sakta hu,
Tere pyar mein jee mar sakta hu,
Firbi agar tu @aa mila,
To
Ye formula dusre pe try kar sakta hu.
Girls smile creates great confusion in boys mind..
Ghanton tak samajh hi nahi aata..
ke hans ke dekh rahi hai
ya dekh ke hans rahi hai..!!
==========================
Phone mat kiya karo Dear,
Mom hoti hai near,
Papa se@ lagta hai fear
Baat bhi hoti nahi clear,
Isliye SMS karo Dear,
Witout fear & very clear..
==========================
CHAP@PAL chhoti ho jaye toh PAAON mein nahi aati
Wah-Wah
CHAPPAL chhoti ho jaye to PAAON mein nahi aati
Aur GIRLFRND moti ho jaye to BAHON mein nahi aati!
==========================
Girl: Mein t@mhare liye aag pe chal sakti hu
angaro se naha sakti hu.
Boy: Kya tum mujhe abhi milne aa sakti ho.
Girl: Pagal hai kya dhoop dekhi hai kitni tez hai.
==========================
Jab dekha unhone tirchi nazar se,
Kasam khu@da ki madhosh ho gaye hum,
Par jab pata chala nazar parmanant tirchi hai,
To wahi khade-khade behosh ho gaye hum.
==========================
Kehte hai waqt se pehle aur
kismat ke bina kisi ko kuch nahi milta..
@
Afsos
Mere pas waqt nahi aur
ladkiyon ke pas kismat nahi.
==========================
Girl: Whats ur name.
Boy: Black Lion.
Girl: Ru @joking?
Boy: No it means kalo singh and ur name.
Girl: Soft underwear.
Boy: Ru joking?
Girl: No it means komal chadda.
==========================
Teri khamoshi aur
udasi ki wajah hum samajh na sake ae dost,
.
.
.
.
Wo to shaam ko teri mummy ne bataya
ke aaj teri c@happal se pitai hui hai!!
==========================
Kuch na ho ska
sirf is wajah se..
ae-yaaro
wo @zmaane se darti rahi
aur
main uski jhukti nazron se.
==========================
Boy: Wow..
You look so perfect
with incredible body
and flower like skin.
What do you use?
Girl: Adobe Photoshop!
What’s D Difference Between Mother’s & GF’s Tears?
Classic Answer
Mother’s Tears Effect Our HEART & GF’s Tears Effect Our POCKET.
==========================
Lovely ans. by a lover
Girl: If ur mom & me fall in the water whom would u Save 1st?
Boy: I would jump into water to save my mom & die with U..!!
==========================
Boy: Suno jara.
Girl: Chup raho, Khate time baat nahi karte,
khaane k baad
Ladki: Ab bolo
Boy: Teri plate mein cockroch tha, le aur ban Heroine!
==========================
1 Ladke ne ek ladki ko call ki
Boy: I LOVE U Jaan.
Girl: Sacchi
Boy: Mucchi
Girl: Ek@ 100 ka recharge karwa do plz
Boy: Sorry Didi Rong No.
==========================
Girls ke haath mein mehendi achchi lagti hai..
Aur boy@s ke haath mein..
Wo mehendi wale haath :-)
hai na..!!
==========================
India ki reet-ladki agar apni marzi se patjaye to pyar,
agar dost pata de t@o uphar,
agar gharwale le aaye to sanskar,
aur agar khud pata kar ghar leaao to hahakar.
==========================
Break-up ke baad aisa kyu lagta hai,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ke saala har s@ad song apne liye hi likha gaya hai.
==========================
Ladkiya paraya dhan hai, to ladke kya?
Nahi pata kya?
.
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.
.
.
.
.
Ek No. ke CHOR,
jinki nazar hames@ha paraye dhan par hi lagi hoti hai.
==========================
When ever boys see a Beautiful Girl
==========================
When ever boys see a Beautiful Girl with
Cool Figure
Long Hair
Fair Complexion
They remind the Tata Sky slogan
Isko pata dala to life jhingalala.
==========================
G:- Ghomne phirne ki shokeen
I:- Innocent
R:- Rone @ki machine
L:- Larko ki pocket khali karne wali.
==========================
Ladkiyo ke 7 jhut?
1. I Love u.
2. Aapki @kasam.
3. U r my 1st love.
4. Balance nahi hai.
5. Awaaz nahi aa rahi.
6. Parents sath mein hai.
7. Me tumhe hi yaad kar rahi thi.
==========================
Ek Ladk@a aur ek Ladki ki shaadi hui..
Aap yakeen nahi karoge ke doosrey din hi
Unka Bachaa hua
khana kharab ho gaya..
Fridge me nahi rakha tha na !
==========================
Lines by School boy…
Love is when i walk to other side of classroom
to sharp my pencil, Just to See her..
N then realize that,
.
.
.
.
.
Im holding a pen..!! :-)
==========================
I Commented on Her Facebook Status :ㅤㅤ
Happy New Year
She: Same to you.
I Edited M@y Comment to I LOVE YOU
ㅤ
*BㅤLㅤOㅤCㅤKㅤEㅤD*
==========================
Boy & Girl Playing Ludo…
Boy: Agar 1 se 5 me aaya to I Kiss u
Girl: What??
Acha aur 6 Aaya To
.
.
.
.
.
Boy: Kabi Ludo Nahi Kheli Kya?
6 Aaya To dubara meri bari..
==========================
Girls ki problem
Simple la@dke pasand nahi,
Modern ladke sincere nahi,
Ranbir kapoor milta nahi,
aur
Main in chakkaro me padta nahi…..
==========================
Specially for girls
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.
.
.
.
You can never lose weight,
if
u keep eat@ing BHAAV every time.
==========================
Boy on a da@te in his BMW car.
Maine tumse ek baat chupayi hai..
GF: kya?
BF: I m alrdy mrried!
GF: Tumne toh dara hi diya tha..
maie samjhi BMW tumhari nahi hai…
==========================
Girls Mohabbat to kisi 1 se karungi,
Ho sake to kisi nek se karungi,
Lekin jab tak na milega wo nek ladka
‘TRY’ to har 1 ko karungi..
==========================
Boy: Hum 45 b@hai behen hain.
Girl: kya..!! tumha@re ghar popultion check karne wale nahi aaye the?
Boy: Aaye the, hum padh rahe the woh coaching centre samajh kar chale gaye.
==========================
Style of Break up
Boy ne apni GF ko Rocket Gift kiya
GF: What the Hell is this?
Boy: Tujay chand taare chahiye thay na,
is par baith or nikal…
Shabash…
==========================
Short & Sharp:
Wife: I hate you.
Husband: What a co-incidence..
==========================
Girl to Baba: If I kiss a boy to kya hoga?
Baba: Narak mein jaogi sidhe?
Girl: Acha agar ap ko @kiss karun toh?
Baba: chalak ladki swarg mein jana chahti hai.
==========================
KADAK Attitude…
Girl frnd ne msg kiya:
Meri photo de@ do, mujhe naya boy frnd mil gaya hai.
Boy frnd ne 30 p@hoto’s bhej ke likha:
Inme se dhundh lena mujhe to teri shakal bhi yaad nahi.
==========================
A man got a call from unknown number..
Girl: Hi, r u single?
Man: Yes, but who r u?
Ans: Your wife..
Aaj ghar aana tab bataoogi.
Another call from unknown number..
Girl: R u married?
Man: Yes, but who R u?
Girl: Your girlfriend, U cheat..
Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife..
Ans: Wife hi hoon kutte, aaj tu bas ghar aaja.
==========================
Ladki patane ka tarika..
Ch@upke se usko piche jakar pakad lo
Agar hasi to samjo FASI
&
Agar gussa huyi to zor zor se chillao
.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
DIDI DAR GAYI
DIDI DAR GAYI!!
==========================
Maine ek ladki ki madad ki to..
usne muje thank u bola.
Maine kaha thank u mat kaho…
ye lo mera Number aur 3 ladkiyo ko dena
Aur un se@ kaho k ye
aur 3 ladkiyo ko de…
==========================
Girl to shopkeeper: Bhaiya aap ke pas aisa valentine card hai jisme likha ho..
‘U R MY 1st and would be my Last LOVE..?
Shopkeepe@r: Haan Hai..!
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
Girl: Theek hai 20 de do.
==========================
Define Girl..
The one who before goin out for a party.
Gets
Facial,
Bleach,
Waxing,
Hair curling/straighting,
Threading,
Toning,
Scrubing,
M@oisturising,
done
&
Puts on
Lipstik,
LipGloss,
Lipliner,
Perfume,
Bo@dy toner,
Body lotion,
Eye liner,
Eye shadow,
Eye maskara,
Foundation,
Face powder,
Rings,
Bracelets,
Neckless,
Nail Paint,
Party dres,
Sandal,
Purse,
and Says: Yaar! Jaldi mein kuch kiya hi nahi, aise hi uth kar aa gayi.
Now Define Boy..
The one who before goin to party calls his friend & asks:
Bhai, tu na@haa kar aayega kya?
Friend Reply: Chal be saale! Tere baap ki shadi hai kya?
==========================
Boy: Hey!
I like U.
Meri GF Bnogi..?
Girl: Hmm..!!
Give M@e Ur Number,
Jab Current BF Se Break-up Hoga.. To Miss Call Kar Dungi..
==========================
Aankho mein nami thi,
Aur vitamin ki kami thi..
Wah.. Wah..
Jis se raat-bhar chatting ki
Woh Girl-friend ki mummy thi..
==========================
Pani me gayi hui bhais
Aur
Shopping mall me gayi hui ladki..
Kabhi jaldi bahar nahin aati.
==========================
Girlfriend and Boyfriend on phone
Boy: Hey aaj ky@a khana khaya ?
Girl: tumhe bas yehi batain karni aati hain.
Boy: Oh oh ok ye batao?
How should central bank fight these inflationary trends with mumintervention in the money markets?
Girl: hmmmm… daal chawal khaye hai!!!
==========================
Joke of Year
Ek ladki dupatta mooh pe lapete hue Scooty se ja rahi thi.
Baju se ek aadmi bike se jaate hue bola…
Jaaneman, zara chehra toh dikhati jao..
Ladki boli: Papa, main hoon! Pinky..
==========================
Mujhe ek ladki ka W@hatsapp pe msg aya!!
Aur boli apni pics Whatsapp Profile pe mat dala karo!!
I said why?
.
.
.
Then she said: Lipstick se mera Smartphone ganda ho jata hai..!!
==========================
Jhuta tha wo Dost..
Jo kehta th@a Jaan bhi maango de dunga,
Aaj woh apni girlfriend ko Jaan kehta hai,
Aur maango to kamina gaaliya deta hai…
==========================
Mohabat karne wale ko inqar achha nahi lagata ,
Duniya walo ko iqrar achha nahi lagata ,
Jab tak ladaka ladaki bhag na jaye,
Gharwalo ko pyar sachha nahi lagata..
==========================
Poem on ‘TAJMAHAL’ by 3 diff. People.
BACHELOR:
Taqdir hai magar kismat nhi khulti,
Taj Mahal @banana chahta hu,
Magar Mumtaz nhi MILTI.
LOVER:
Taqdir hai mgar kismt nhi khulti,
Mumtaz milgai hai,
Magar shadi nhi KARTI.
MARRIED:
Taqdir hai magar kismat nhi khulti,
Taj Mahal banana chahta hu,
Magar Mumt@az nhi MARTI.
==========================
Touching lines said by a boy to a girl
during breakup
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
behen gifts to wapis karti ja
teri bhabi ko kya do ga!
==========================
Ladke wale: Hamko Ladki pasand hai,
Shadi Kab Karni Hai?
Ladki wale: Abhi to Ladki study kar rahi hai,
Ladke wale: Ha to hamara ladka konsa chhota he jo books faad dega.
==========================
A guy calls an unknown number..
Guy: Fridge hai?
Reply: Haan hai.
Guy: Chalta hai?
Reply: Haan chalta hai..
Guy: Toh paka@d ke rakhna, warna bhaag jaayega..
And he hangs up.. After a while, he calls up again..
Guy: Fridge hai?
This time the person’s really angry.
Reply: Nahi hai.
Guy: Kahaan se hoga.. Bola tha na pakad ke rakhna varna bhaag jaayega..
==========================
Ladki sath ho to Restaurant ka Bill
Ladki Door Ho To Mobile Ka Bill
Aur
Ladki Hamesha Ke @Liye Hi Door Ho Jaye To
‘Daru ka Bill’
Isliye Na Lagao Dil, Na Aayega Bill.
==========================
Ladki: Agar @main mar jau to tum kya karoge?
Ladka: Main bhi mar jaunga.
Ladki: Par kyu?
Ladka: tere chakkar me udhari itni
ho gayi hai ki jeena mushkil hai.
==========================
Height of irritating someone:
Boy: pen hai?
Girl: nahi.
Thodi der baad..
Boy: Pen hai?
Girl: Nahi bola na..
Boy: Pen h@ai pen?
Girl: Nahi hai kaminey, aur abki bar pucha to hathode se sar phod dungi.
Kuch der baad..
Boy: Hat@hoda hai kya..?
Girl: Nahi.
Boy: Accha.. to phir pen hai pen..?
==========================
Latest wala
Boy: Hello!
Girl: Hi!
Boy: I am jeet.
Girl: Hello Jeet, where are you?
Boy: Darr ke aagey..
==========================
Pani dekh pyaas lagti hai,
shadi dekh kar hume bhi aas dikhti hai,
Hum logo kaise samjhaye..
ki har zakkas ladki ki ‘MAA’ hume apni ‘SAAS’ lagti hai.
==========================
Gujrati sher:
NAZAR se NAZAR mile to pucho kem che?
NAZAR jhuki or@ hase to samzo k prem che.
Jo SANDAL utare to samzo k aa chokri to apni ben che.!!
==========================
Wo kya sahegi pyar ke dard ko.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Kal activa se giri, ab tak ro rahi hai..
==========================
Na ishq kar mere yaar
yeh ladkiya bahut satati hai,
na karna in par aitbaar
yah kharcha b@ahut karwati hai,
recharge tum karwa ke dete ho
aur number mera lagati hai.
==========================
Example @of self insult,
Boss (In Angry mood):
Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai kya ??
Boy (Nazre jhuka ke): Nahi,
Boss: Neeche kya dekh rahe ho,
Upar meri taraf dekho.
==========================
Girlfriend ko apni palko par bitha lo,
De ke khushi uske sare gum chura lo,
Pyar karo uski saheli ke samne itna ki
Uski saheli bhi aa ke kahe JANU..
muje bhi pata lo.. Muje bhi pata lo..
==========================
Har ek boy ki dil ki khwaaish hoti hai?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Khud kitne bade kaminey honge par ladki shareef hi chaahiye.
==========================
1 barsat ki raat 1 bhigi ladki
Bhiga Badan
Bhigi Julfe
Bhige Hont
Hum dono ki najre mili
Use dekh kar aisa laga ki..
Kal use 100% sardi hogi!!
==========================
A man was driving a car..
A fat lady on a scooty overtook him!!
Man shouted: Hey Buffalo
Lady turned back and shouted: You donkey, idiot, stupid monkey.
Suddenly she had an accident
She was hit by a buffalo crossing the road
MORAL: Ladies@ never understand what a Man wants to say.
==========================
Ek ladka apni girlfriend ko le ke ghumne jaata hai.
aur bahut tez barish ho jati hai
Socho bahut tez barish me kya hua hoga..???
.
Socho..
.
Socho..
.
Nahi pata..
.
Ladki ka makeup utar jata hai..
& Ladka dar ke bhaag jata hai..!!
==========================
When a girl is in her Mayka, She stays like a RANI,
Jab Shaadi hokar jati hai toh LAXMI kehlati hai,
Aur Sasural m@e Kaam Karte-Karte BAI ban jaati hai,
Is tarah Ladkiya RANI-LAXMI-BAI ban jati hai!!
==========================
Jo Mummy aur Papa ko Swarg le jaata hai,
Wo Beta H@ota hai par,
Jo Swarg ko Ghar Le a।aye,
Wo Beti Hoti hai..!
Forward to all lovely daughters..
==========================
2 Ladkiya bus@ me seat ke liye lad rahi thi..
Conductor: Kyun lad rahi ho? Jo umar mei badi ho wo baith jaye..
Bas fir kya.. Dono poore raste khadi hi rahi.
==========================
(Height of Smiley usage)
Boyfriend & girlfriend on whatsapp :
Boy: kesi ho..??
Girl: : D
Boy: missing me..?
Girl: o . O
Boy: Yaar meri tabiyat khrab hai
Girl: : O
Boy: aaj kaisa din guzra…??
Girl: : P
Boy: Busy ho…??
Girl: : \
Boy: Koi paas hai…??
Girl: naaaa : |
Boy: To kuch likh bhi de,
apne Baap ki shaklein kyu send kar rahi hai?
Girl: X (
Boy: I heard u failed in English?
Girl: Who TELLED you? It is UNpossible.. I sawED d result ystrdy… I Passed AWAY
Boy: Tu smiley hi use kar..
==========================
Boy to Girl: Tumhari Umar kya hai?
Girl: 20 years
Boy: tum ne to 5 saal pehle bhi yahi batayi thi?
Girl: dekha ladkiyan zubaan ki Kitni pakki hoti hai.
==========================
Boyfriend ki Dua:
Sasural mai sukhi rahena..
Mayke aa@ye to contact main rahena.
==========================
Aaj badi umeed se ek saath
15 beauti@ful DP waali girls ko
‘Friends Request’ bhej di..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
Kya pta inme se koi..
tum logo ki Bhabhi Bann Jaaye.
==========================
Ek ladka gadhe ke samne gir gaya.
ek khubsurat ladki ne dekha aur kaha:
Apne bade bha@i ke pair chhu rahe ho?
Ladka bola: JI BHABHI JI!
==========================
Din bhar kitna bhi kyun na ghoom lo ..
Sabse hot ladki tabhi dikhegi
.
.
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.
.
jab gharwalo ke sath bazaar jaoge..!!
==========================
Boy: Hey i bought a new iPhone 6
Girl: Wow.. Konsi company ka???
Boy: Ja b@ehen tu ghar ja,
reebok ka laya hun.
==========================
A boy calls his EX-
Boy : Hey i just saw a@ movie, it reminded me of you..miss you..
Gal : Awwwww.. even i miss you..kaunsi movie dekhi?
Boy : Ek thi daayan :P:D
==========================
Awesome message by a True Boyfriend:
She broke my heart, I broke her
.
.
Iphone 6
.
.
Baaki khud hisaab laga lo
kaun Zyada roya hoga..!!
==========================
Ladkiyo ka real fact: pehle to ladke se kehti hai,
tum mujhe pa@snd karte ho na..
Ladka: Nahi to..
Ladki: Me sab janti hu..
Ladka: Pata hai ek ladki mujhe acchi lagti hai..
Ladki: Wo main hi hu na such bolo..
Moral: Ladke kabhi purpose karte nai ladkiyan karwati hai..!!
==========================
Daughter: Mom aaj Ek ladke ne mere gal pe kiss kiya..!!
Mom: Tune usko chata mara ya nahi..!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
Daughter: Mujhe achanak Gandhiji yaad agaye
aur maine dusra gal agge kar diya…
==========================
Classic insult..
Girl: Meri 1-1 saans pe 1-1 ladke marte hai..
Boy: To tum koi accha sa toothpaste istimaal kyo nahi karti..??
==========================
Jaan-pehchaan hote hi
ladko ko ladki ko whatsapp par add karne
ki itni @jaldi hoti hai.. mano..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
hone wali BIWI ka Rashan Card par naam chadhwana ho!!
==========================
Facebook pe ladki kisi bhi desh ki ho,
.
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.
Sabse zyada commnts hum Indians ke hi hote hain..!!
==========================
Agar pati parmeshver hai
to
Boy friend bhi
Chota mota devta@ mana ja sakta hai!!
==========================
He: I am in love with you totally.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She: Totla hoga tu! Tela baap totla!
==========================
Ek dukhi girlfriend ne,
Apne boyfrnd ke liye Shayari likhi..
.
.
.
Phoolo ka raja,
Baharo ka shahzada..
Phoolo k@a raja baharo ka shahzada
.
.
Dil todh kar chala gaya..
KUTTA KA@MINA HARAMZADA
==========================
Guitar sikha tha jis ko patane ke liye..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Aaj offer aaya hai..
Usi ki shaadi me bajane ke liye..
==========================
Wo kehti apne bhaiyyo se,
Mere a@ashiq ko yu naa peeto..!!
.
.
.
.
.
Badaaa jiddi hai ye saala,
Pehle kutte ki tarah ghaseeto..!!
==========================
Ladkiyo ki 5 baatain kabhi samjh nahi aati..
1) Tum na bohat woh ho
(pata nahi woh se kya matlab hai.. ?? banda soch main per jaata hai)
2) Mujhe tum se ye umeed nahi thi..
(to phir kya umeed thi)
3) Tum pehle jaise nahi rahe.
(to phir main pehle kesa tha ??)
4) Sach batana, main kaisi lagrahi hun…
(sach Bol kar pitna thori hai)
5) Im very selfish na..
(ab haan bol doon to gayi bhens pani mein)
==========================
Aaj Pehli Baar Ladki Ki Freind Reqest Aai..
E-Mail This
Aaj Pehli Baar Ladki Ki Freind Reqest Aai..
.
.
.
.
.
Sala Khushi Khushi Me Not Now Pe Click Ho Gaya..!!!
==========================
Ladkiyo ki problems:
Agar Koi ladka kisi ladki se jayda baat kare to girl says: chipku!!
Kam baat kare to.. ignore kar raha hai mujhe.
Girls ke @msg ka reply na do to she says:
ghamndi, attitude hai kafi is ladke me!!
==========================
Ek Ladka Ek Ladki Ko Dekh Ke Bola:
Waah, Kya Maal Hai..
Ladki Hansi Aur Boli:
Maal To Jhakkass hai..
Par Hai to Tere JIJA Ka na Kamine..
==========================
Girl ATM pe Pappu se..
Girl : bhaiya mujhe apna balance check karna hai.. Aap meri help kar do plz..
Pappu use ek zor ki laat marta hai aur ladki gir jati hai.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pappu: tera balance to bahot kharab hai!!
==========================
Ladke ne Ladki ko Aankh maari
Ladki: Mai esi wesi ladki nahi hu ..
Ladka: Wo to theek hai par check karna hamara Farz banta hai!!
==========================
*Shaadi dot com chats*
Boy – khana bana leti ho
Girl – nahi
Boy – aur kuch bana leti ho?
Girl – haan selfie lete time mu bana leti hu!!
==========================
A Girl’s character represents
the character of her family.
.
.
.
.
Where as
.
.
.
.
.
A Boy’s character represents his friends.
==========================
Ek Ladki nayi nayi English Sikh rahi thi
Ladki: jaanu .. please apple my new number.
Ladka: confused and ask.. what??
Ladki: mera number apple karlo na jaldi..
Ladka: are par apple to seb hota he.
Ladki: mere jaanu me bhi to yahi keh
rahi hu k mera number phone me seb karlo.
Ladka behosh …
Coaching institute: IIN
==========================
BF: Accident me pair toot gaya..
GF: Aaj ka din hi kharab hai,
Mera bhi naakhoon toot gaya,
Itni Mushkil se bada kiya tha..??
==========================
KBC Ke Set Par Ek Ladka 1 Crore Ke Sawaal Par Aakar Fass Gaya…
To Usne apni akhiri Lifeline Chuni Phone-A-Friend Aur Apni Girlfriend Ko Phone Milane Ko Kaha…
Amitabh Ne Ladki Ko Phone Milaya:
Tumhare Paas 30 Seconds Hai Is Sawaal Ka JawaabDene Ke Liye, AurTumhara Samaye Shuru Hota Hai Ab…..
Ladka Jaldi Se Sawaal Padta Hai Aur UskeChaaro Option Padta Hai..
.
==========================
.
Girlfriend: Mil Gaya Time Tumhe Phone Karne Ka? Mujhe Tumse Koi Baat Nahi Karni!
Bye!!!
==========================
Our generation’s sleeping schedule depends on
.
.
.
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.
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The percentage of battery remaining in the phone…
==========================
Boy: Thank you..
Girl: My Pleasure..
Boy: My Bajaj Pulsar..
*PATA NAHI KYU BLOCK KAR DIYA*
==========================
He: Janu you are Cute
She: Thanks jaan
He: Janu you are Princess
She: Awww jaan thankss… Kya kar rahe ho??
He: Mazak
==========================
Girl:- Tu itna achha he fir kya
reason hai ki teri koi GF nahi hai?
Boy :- Tu ban ja
Girl:- nahi tu mera best friend hai..
Boy :- Bas yehi reason hai.
==========================
One boy every day wait outside the IT park
And look at girl.
One day he dare to talk wid her.
Boy: Excuse me !!
Girl: excuse me for what, why u look at me everyday.
if u love me den its waste of tym.
coz I have boyfriend.Dont wait for me and dond follow.
Boy: Didi Tumhari company me vacancies ho to reference de na.
==========================
Do You Know Why Girls Are Shorter Than Men??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just To Hear The Men’s Heartbeat..!
==========================
Ladka: Tum Sabhi boys Ko Bhai Kyu Bolti Ho?
Ladki: Mera Koi Bhai Nahi Hai..
Ladka: Tera Pati Bhi Toh Nahi Hai..
**Slapped**
==========================
Girl: Tum Kya Karte ho?
Boy: Bahut Bade College Mein Logo Ka Admission Karwata Hun.
Girl: Kaun Se College?
Boy: ‘IIN’, Recharge Ki Dukan Hai Apni!
==========================
Dhadkan Dil Ki Ruk Jati Hai,
Sanse Aksar Tham Jati Hai,
Bahut Buri Halat Hoti Hai Yaaro,
Jab GF Se Shaadi Karne Ki Naubat Aati Hai!
==========================
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says… Drink quickly….. .
Wife asks why…
sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10.
==========================
Sonu : When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Jasmeet : I clean the toilet bowl.
Sonu : How does that help?
Jasmeet : I use your toothbrush!
==========================
A crow shits on Bunty. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.
Bunty: Koi Fhayda Nahin, Kauwa Toh Udd Gaya
==========================
Bunty : Wo Ladki Deaf Lagti Hai. Main Kuch Kehta Hoon, Woh Kuch Aur Hi Bolti Hai.
Sonu : Kaise?
Bunty : Maine Kaha I Love U, To Woh Boli ‘Maine Kal Hi Naye Sandal kharide hain’
==========================
Sonu : Yaar! Main Apna Purse Ghar Bhool Aaya, Mainu 1000 Rs Chahide Si.
Bunty : Dost Hi Dost De Kam Aunda Hai, Le 10 Rs, Riksha Kar Te Purse Le Aa.
==========================
Sonu : Oh Yaar Main Badi Mushkil Mein Hoon…Meri Biwi Mujhse Ek Pappi Ka Ek Rupeya Leti Hai..!
Vicky : Oh Yaar Tu Bada Lucky Hai, Auron Se To Woh 5 Rupye Leti Hai.
==========================
Sonu : Aapne Nurse Bahut Changi Rakhi Hai, Uska Haath Lagtey Hi Mein Theek Ho Gaya.
Doctor: Jaanta Hoon, Thappad Ki Awaaz Mujhe Bhi Sunai Di Thi.
==========================
Sonu : Phone Mere Liye Ho To Kehna Mein Ghar Pe Nahin Hoon.
Jasmeet : Wo Ghar Pe Hain.
Sonu : Maine Mana Kiya Tha Ke…
Jasmeet : Phone Mere Liye Tha!
==========================
Sonu : Drinking-n-Driving Dono Nalo Naal Nai Ho Sakde.
Mohit : Kyoo Ji ?
Sonu : Je SpeedBbreaker Aa Gaya Taa Peg Dul Jau.
==========================
Sonu meets his friend Mohit
Sonu : A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B…!
Mohit : Oye, Iska Matlab ?
Sonu : Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..!
==========================
Vicky : Praji, Jab Main Paida Hua Tha To Military Walon Ne 21 Topein Chalayeen Thi.
Sonu: Kamaal Hai ! Sab Ka Nishana Kayse Chook Gaya ..?
==========================
Bunty goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Bunty: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.
==========================
Vicky traveling 1st time in plane going to BOMBAY,
while landing, he shouted : “BOMBAY-BOMBAY”,
air hostess : ” B-silent please “,
Vicky said : ” OMBAY – OMBAY…..!
==========================
Bunty Ankit were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
Bunty : This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
Bunty : Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
==========================
Bunty Ki Biwi : O ji Car ki speed itani kyo badha di..?
bunty : Are Banoo Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, To accident ho jaye iske pehele ghar pahunch jaate hai.
==========================
Interviewer : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?
Bunty : Simple, Stop imagining.
==========================
Bunty apne father k samne cigrate pi raha tha
Logon ne kaha ke aap apne father ke samne cigratte pi rahay ho?
Bunty bola : Wo mera father hai, koi petrol pump thodi.
==========================
Ishu: pehle me apni biwi ko BA karwaunga fir MA fir Phd karwaunga fir badiya si naukri dilwaunga.
Aman : fir acha sa rishta dekh k uski shaadi bhi krwa diyo.
==========================
How do you define a hospital?
A hospital is a place where the nurses wake you up to give you sleeping pills.
==========================
John:”When my fingers heal,will I be able to play the piano”?
Doctor:”Of course”. John:”Great! I never could before!”
==========================
Once a patient went to a doctor with a burnt ear.
Doctor: What happened!
Patient: I will not tell u, you’ll laugh.
Doctor: If you will not tell me, how will I give u medicine?
Patient- ok!I was pressing clothes. Once the phone ring I picked the press up and said to the press. hello!!
==========================
Lady over the phone:Doctor,what can I do?My little boy has swallowed my pen?
Doctor:Use a pencil till I come.
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Son- Daddy why do you wear a mask in operation theater.
Father- Well son , I need to make sure no one identifies me if something goes wrong.
==========================
Nurse: “Wake up man”
Patient: “Why what’s the matter”
Nurse: “Nothing, I just forgot to give you the prescribed sleeping pills”
==========================
What is a definition of a doctor? A person who kills the problem in your body with pills and then kills you with his bills.
==========================
Once a patient went to the Doctor and said,”my hair is falling .Can u give me anything to keep it in?”
So,then the doctor said, yes u can have a poly thin bag.
==========================
once,before an operation of a patient the doctor was holding a garland in his hands.
Patient:Doctor why are you holding a garland in your hand? Doctor:If the operation is successful, i will wear it to myself or a failure i wear it for you
==========================
Doctor:tell me how many fingers are these?
Patient:thirteen.
Doctor :I don’t understand your eyes are weak or your arithmetic?
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Patient: Doctor, i see double
Doctor:sit on the chair please
Patient:which one
==========================
Man in Delhi:I have a severe foot ache.
Doctor after examining says-“You should walk for 4 km everyday”.
After a month the doctor receives a call from the same patient saying,”I am now in Agra, how much more should I walk?”
==========================
Man : Doctor, whenever I drink my coffee,I get a sharp pain in my eye.What should I do?
Doctor : Just remove the spoon from your cup.
==========================
Doctor: what is your problem?
Patient: I have only one Problem in my life, that is ,when I walk my legs are not joined ,it is always one forwards and one backwards.
==========================
Patient:Doctor!Doctor!One of my eyes is different from the other!
Doctor:Really,which one
A boy to the doctor,”Doctor, Doctor I have lost my memory.”
“When did this happen?” asked the doctor.
The boy said,”When did what happen?”
==========================
One day a man saw a beggar on the street. He went to him and said “If you stop begging I will pay you Rs 1000 per month”.
In reply the bigger said “Come and beg with me and I will pay you Rs5000 per month
==========================
Patient:”I want to live doctor when should I take the medicine”.
Doctor:”So remember to take the medicine exactly before you feel the pain”.
==========================
Patient:Why does everyone ignore me?
Doctor:Next Please!!!!!!
==========================
PATIENT:-DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING,GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.
DOCTOR:-TAKE THIS SLIP TO THE MEDICAL SHOP
PATIENT:-IF I USE THIS MEDICINE,I CAN SOLVE THIS ITCHING.
DOCTOR:-I GAVE THIS FOR GROWING YOUR NAILS FOR SCRATCHING.
==========================
Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.
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Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
Doctor: “Why?”
Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
==========================
Lady to the doctor over the phone. “ Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it. “
Doctor:” Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
Lady: “ Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.”
==========================
Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By cheaque, money order, or cash.”
==========================
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn’t go near them!
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice?
==========================

Shayari Xyz

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Jokes no 1

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